I feel a major rant coming on

Before I get started (and I feel a major, major rant coming on-don't say I didn't warn you), let me address the easy issues first. First, Kanye didn't steal the song. Kanye put out the original version of "Diamonds" (apparently titled "Diamonds Are Forever") where Kanye is basically (and I'm going to put this bluntly: if your kids are reading this, I apologize in advance; if you are a kid reading this, prepare your little mind for an incoming dirty word) riding his own dick and bragging about how wonderful and fantastic his record label is. (Because that's exactly what the world needs: one more rap record where the MC is on his own dick.) Lupe Fiasco (who really should come up with a less stupid-sounding stage name) heard the record and (to Lupe's credit) decided to freestyle some Sierra Leone stuff over Kanye's beat. Kanye then heard Lupe's freestyle and Kanye (to Kanye's credit) was able to momentarily subjugate his interstellar-sized ego long enough to compare and contrast the two versions, thereafter realizing that maybe the world didn't need one more song featuring a rapper riding his own dick after all, even if said rapper was He Himself, Kanye the Great. Maybe, just maybe, what the world needed was a song with actual subject matter. Maybe. And so, "Diamonds From Sierra Leone" AKA "Diamonds" (Remix) or whatever it's being called was born.

But because Kanye (or Jay-Z, or someone else with the Roc or someone else altogether) wanted to hedge their bets instead of just putting out the record and letting the chips fall, they stuck Jay-Z on there, practically ensuring record sales because of Jay's legion of fans who will buy anything the supposedly-retired Greatest Rapper Alive raps on. (BTW, what's with the heavy breathing thing? Every time I hear Jay-Z lately he sounds like he just ran up a flight of stairs. If you're gonna put your studio on the third floor shouldn't you at least have an elevator? And, while I'm on the subject of Jay-Z, what's with the now-obligatory Jesus references? This song, he's walking on water. On some other record I heard and promptly forgot the title of, he was performing miracles or something. Is Jay-Z so awesomely, incredibly, stupendously fabulous that nothing short of a comparison to the Messiah Himself will do Jay justice? Or am I reading to much into this?)

OK, on to issue number two. Kalamu asked, why did Kanye shoot the video in Prague.

"I'm really into architecture and art, period," West told MTV recently. "You get the sculptures, the cathedrals, the stone floors. It gives you a timeless feel, and we're gonna shoot it in black and white. That look represented the music in 'Diamonds.'"

In other words-and granted, I'm reading between the lines here-Kanye was going for a 'European' feel. I'm not going to waste a comment on that. Just know: whatever I would have said if I would've taken the time to say it would have been long-winded, rant-like and extraordinarily negative in both tone and substance. Let your imagination run free.

Now that those easy issues are out of the way, let me ask the one question that comes to mind after listening to/reading all about Kanye and Lupe and "Diamonds" etc. Is this bullshit really what hip-hop has come to? First, the track is shit. (I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be a sensible, reasonable, 'objective' writer and all that, but the truth is, I don't dislike the music I dislike, I hate it. Sue me.) Let me be more specific: as a hip-hop record, the track is shit. It's cinematic, bloated, overly catchy and didactic to a fault. (Or is 'didactic to a fault' redundant?) In other words, it's crap. From a pop perspective, maybe it's the greatest thing since smokable cocaine - I really don't know because my ability to successfully associate 'greatness' and 'popness' is non-existent. I do know my hip-hop though, and, trust me, the track is weak.

As for the lyrics, I'm conflicted. Kalamu is correct: He Himself, Kanye The Great is clever. Very clever. Actually, Kanye is too clever - and therein lies the problem. (Well, part of it, at least.) I saw Chris Rock's latest show and it was funny. I laughed my ass off. A pleasant time was had by all, yours truly included, then I went home, turned on my iTunes and did what I really like to do, which is listen to music. My point is, I don't listen to music for jokes. If I want jokes, I listen to comedians. When I listen to musicians-and MCs absolutely, most definitely and certainly are musicians-I want music. There's a thin line between 'cleverness' and 'smugness' and, judging from Kanye's thorough and repeated trampling of said line, Kanye wouldn't recognize the line even if Jacob himself plated the line in platinum and encrusted it in diamonds, 'conflict' or clean.

Moving right along. Hasn't the whole 'I Know It's Wrong, But It Feels So Right So I'm Going To Keep On Doing It Anyway' bit been done already? I mean really, really, really been done already? Like, to death. Like, ad infinitum. Like, just to give a completely random and totally unrelated example, on at least half of the songs from College Dropout (Kanye's first album)? On the "Diamonds" remix, Kanye goes on and on about kids without arms and the blood dripping from his ice and blah blah blah and blah some more, and that's all good, I'm glad he's shining light on some real fucked up shit that's being done on the Mother Continent. That's great. But hey, Mr. He Himself, Kanye the Great. I have a really complex and extraordinarily deep conclusion for you: TAKE OFF THE FUCKING DIAMONDS. Again, am I missing something? Why should I waste four-minutes of my time listening to you pontificate in rhyme about the horror that is the international diamond trade if you're going to keep on wearing the fucking things?!

Oh, and another thing. What's with the 'we' and 'you' thing? I've had it with that. Rappers are always talking about 'we' this and 'you' that. Who are they talking about? Not me, that's for sure. I never went to Jacob with $20,000 (or $50,000 or whatever it was) either before or after I bought a house. I don't dress up to go to the grocery store. (And, judging from the people I see every week in the checkout line at my Sav-A-Center, the one on Bullard in New Orleans East, ain't nobody else dressing up to go to the grocery store either.) I never spent a nickel on platinum or 'Rolexeses' or 'Lexuses' or any of that other shit, mainly because I happen to be an actual normal human being who still considers it a minor achievement to get both my rent and light bill paid in the same month. (The previous few sentences are for those who've heard Kanye's first album. If you don't know what I'm talking about, run right out and buy it so you can be like, "Oh! So that's what that dude on BoL was talking about" and, of course, so Kanye can replace all his 'conflict' diamonds with clean ones.)

The point I'm trying to make is (if I have a point at all, and I'm not sure that I do) I can't relate. At all. Not even almost. Not even slightly. Maybe, instead of putting "Diamonds" out there in general release, Kanye instead should've just Blackberryed it to all his rich rapper and movie star pals. (And please do notice Jamie Foxx flossing his ass off in the picture with Kanye. Am I the only one who gets a queasy feeling every time they see some retard wearing the average working persons' yearly salary around their neck like God-damn $1.99 Mardi Gras beads?) Maybe rich rappers and movie stars and athletes and their accountants and spouses and Baby Mamas and Daddies and hangers-on actually give a shit and/or can relate to the quandary of do I or do I not spend my money on 'conflict' diamonds. I don't/can't. I'm still trying to pay off my $799 eMac and still wondering if and when I'm ever going to get that rebate check back from Epson for the piece-of-junk printer I didn't even want in the first place but had to buy because it was 'bundled' into the price of the stupid computer. And I'm supposed to be worried about some rich dude's angst about whether or not someone died for his $200,000 Jesus piece? Give me a break.

Kanye, let me let you in on a little secret. It's a cold, cold capitalist, racist, sexist, ageist world. If you spend $200,000 on anything, the chances are very, very good that someone poor and/or young and/or of color and/or female was in some way shitted on so that you could do so. If it really does bother you, quit the conspicuous and ridiculous consumption. If it really doesn't bother you, call up Jacob and order a matching quarter-million-dollar Holy Mary piece to go with the one you've already got of Her Little Boy. The truth is, once we've spent our $15 bucks to have our ear drums massaged by the Greatness that is you, it's your money. Do what you want with it. But don't ask us to spend another $15 just to hear you whine about the dumb-ass shit you did with the last $15. $200,000 for a fucking necklace?! That's some dumb-ass shit to do even if nobody got so much as a paper cut because of it.

And just to anticipate the inevitable questions. Do I have a bad attitude? Yes, I do. Have I been sipping the Hater-ade? Yes, I have. Am I bitter? Yes, I am. To paraphrase my main man Flavor Flav: I got a right to be bitter - these assholes killed the music I love.

Rant over. It's past my bedtime.

-Mtume ya Salaam

P.S. "Gold Digga" is not funny. It's the same sexist bullshit it was 15 years ago when EPMD did it first. See EPMD - Business As Usual (1990) - Song #8